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Healing a Mother Wound

The Oracle’s Message

Healing a Mother Wound

When you don’t get the things you needed from your Mom

by Kate Horner on August 13, 2020

I lost my mom to cancer last year. I was not prepared. I thought I was, but when your Mother dies, a piece of you dies. No one told me that, and I probably wouldn’t have believed them if they did. It has been 8 months. The first 4 were awful, full of crying and flashbacks. Mostly, it was too painful to describe. I will have another blog post about watching cancer take a loved one, but for today I want to share about how I am healing my wounds.

My Mom and I tried everything in both of our powers to be close, to be friends and to support each other. I can say this whole heartedly. Unfortunately, many people before I came, caused irreversible damage to her heart and ability to trust. I wanted to be like my Mom, she was strong and knowledgeable about everything it seemed to me. She was creative and artistic as well as athletic and capable. My mom could grow any plant and she was a natural with animals. She was a gifted illustrator and painter. She wanted to be the best at what she did and needed things to be perfect. She inherited the perfectionist gene from her Father and spent her lifetime trying to tame it.

We did things together and my Mom supported my dreams as well as she could. She was always at my Basketball games and drove me to practices. She wanted great things for me. She wanted what she thought was never an opportunity for her.

We had many fights when I began voicing what I wanted in my life. Much of what I wanted was, “Fun.” Fun was not a word she liked. She would mock my use of the word like I was using it to avoid hard work. Maybe sometimes I was. We were raised under a strict roof. Friends were not encouraged. Going to friends houses was extremely rare. Having kids in our home was a security issue.

As I grew up I felt less and less like my Mom and more like a black sheep. We didn’t talk without arguing and feeling mutually unseen. There were years that we didn’t talk at all nor see one another. When I was engaged to be married I reached out to my parents to build a bridge. We tried to reconnect. I wanted them desperately to be family again. They attended my wedding and were with us for both of my sons being born. I felt a renewed need to reconcile with my Mom when I became a mother. I felt like our strained relationship was not an example of a family that I wanted for my boys. We tried, we really did. In the end we are so different in our approach to people. I wanted to LOVE and have radical acceptance for each person's journey. My Mom didn’t trust people and felt like they were out to hurt her and take what she has.

My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colorectal Cancer in June 2019. She passed away, December 1, 2019. We both loved each other, and that was enough. While we were sorting through her belongings, I ran across some letters she had written to loved ones. She had one for my sister, her brother and her sister… there was not a letter for me. I was upset and felt disconnected again. I know she didn’t know what to say. It’s okay, I would rather get nothing than a letter that I felt was critical and judgmental. A few friends suggested that it might be a good idea for me to write a letter from my Mom that I would have wanted to receive. At first, I thought this was not only brilliant but daunting. I wouldn’t be able to write it without my anger and resentment shining brighter than LOVE. So, I waited until I thought I could write it as a healed heart would. Here it is, written on August 8, 2020.

Dear Katie,

I am sorry I have to leave you so early but I have some very important things to do in the next place we all go. I am excited to return to my role of Directing New Life and Early Growth. I get to plant seeds, place babies and young animals into their next locations. I don’t have to worry about them after placement and I know exactly where they need to be and send them into LIFE!

Katie, I am sorry I wasn’t all you needed in a Mom, honestly I tried my best to introduce as much information as I could to keep you busy but you kinda scared me with all the things you wanted. I was not as social as you nor was I as trusting. I didn’t know how to teach you about friends because I always felt let down by people. I wasn’t as accepting as you are naturally .

I am so proud of your heart though! I am amazed at how your heart and mind have remained open through so much rejection and trials. I know going through much of your life feeling alone could make you feel resentful at times but the strength it creates is so much more powerful than resentment. At least it is in YOUR heart.

My heart broke early on and no matter what I did to try to fix it, it remained in a million pieces with me unable to identify the pieces that fit together.

When you were small I thought you might single-handedly heal my life with all of your love. It was too much to ask of course. I wanted to keep you all to myself. I wanted to keep everything I loved close. You wanted to see so much and do so much and when you didn’t need me anymore I felt so sad and hurt and then mad. By smothering you I recreated the same outcome I was seeing in all of my relationships.

I feel like if I had been embraced, I would have grown into a Mother who could embrace your gifts.I see your gifts and I am awestruck by what you can do and so glad to see you going so far with them.

If you hear my voice and I ever say anything that is not encouraging, please let it go, ignore it and move forward with your destiny. You don’t need my words or anyone else's. You need to follow your gut and listen for God’s messages as you help heal lives and deliver LOVE like no one I have even known can.

I love that we share a love for Nature, I can send you love and life here. We can be together every time you water your plants or see a sweet little insect visitor.

I want you to love your body, I wasn’t able to love mine. I think this might be why it failed me. You have to find gratitude for each and every inch of your skin, hair and each perfect imperfection.

Lastly, my wish for you is that you see life as a miracle. Every single element of life is a miracle. You are a miracle!

You are loved,

Your Mama

* Since writing the letter I would have wanted to receive from my mom, I have felt a very real release of resentment and disappointment. It helped heal my memories of her and of us. I am able to see her through loving eyes of understanding instead of feeling like she ”happened” to me. I imagine this would be a good exercise for anyone who feels angry at someone who is no longer in their life. This is how I get to remember her now.

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